Saturday, April 23, 2011

the hard love

Five minute Friday at the gypsy mama....

The hardest one to love right now is me.

I thought about it for a while (it is Saturday as I'm writing), and only now in my five minutes does the truth come out.

The hardest one to love right now is me.

My friend who was recently in the hospital for mental issues would like to get together, and I keep turning her away.

Another person I know committed suicide 8 days ago. During his funeral, the only thing that kept echoing through my brain was....When my good friend wanted to do the same, we told her no, that it wasn't worth it, that we loved her and cared for her and wanted to support her. But I was lying.

I was lying, and now that she didn't, and is moving forward, I am not supporting her. I am no where near involved in her life anymore. Just as the suicide of the young man removed him completely from the day to day interactions of all of his friends, apparently in my own life my reaction to my friend is the same as if she were already gone.

I need to change this, to change this hard to love heart of mine into a more loving heart. A more forgiving heart.

I need to love others in a way that will allow me to love myself again. I need to show the love of Christ that I profess to know in the way I treat my friend, the one that I haven't called and haven't visited and haven't gone out for coffee with.

The hardest love....That's me, apparently.

I would appreciate prayers for courage, compassion, friendship, selflessness, and so much more.

1 comment:

  1. You will be in my prayers. This was a very raw post. Thank you for sharing. Tomorrow is Easter, the resurrection of the One who loves us no matter what, and who can help us be the loving ones that we want and should be.