Saturday, October 27, 2012

five minute friday

Yes, it's already Saturday morning.

That doesn't mean anything, really.

I'd still like to link-up at the Gypsy Mama, so I'm going to.

The word of the week: voice.

My voice rises, gets louder, then at the breaking point, gets really quiet.

"No te escucho," my students say. They look at me, quiet down, and I begin again, with my volume so low that they must strain to hear me over the hum of the air conditioner.

It's so loud that most of the time I can't hear myself think.

Between the excitement of doing science experiments and the fair and halloween and birthdays and the promise of so many fun things, it is not until I am very quiet that my students finally start to hear me.

My voice; when I use it the right way, is a tool for learning. It is a tool for encouraging, a tool for loving.

When it gets loud, no one can hear it.

When it is quiet, people lean in to listen.

Not only in the classroom, but in life, in general.

I don't want to hear those who are loud at me, trying so very hard to be heard. I want to hear the voice of those who wait to speak, who wait to have my attention, who are interested in making sure that I hear clearly the importance of what they say.

And I want to hear, clearly, that still, small voice, reassuring me, encouraging me, loving me, that comes from above.

10/12 is not so bad

In January, I set myself the New Year's Resolution goal of running an organized race at least once every month in 2012.

I can't believe I'm actually 10/12 of the way there!

In August, my running buddy spotted a groupon for "Color Me Rad" -- one of those trendy races where people start out all dressed in white and people throw color at them until they are all sorts of rainbow looking.

I agreed to run with her, thinking it would be nice to try something different, and the groupon made the price of the race really affordable.

And then, school started, September happened, I more or less stopped running.

Oh no!

Except I was still running a little teeny tiny bit. Coaching Girls on the Run, occasionally meeting up with running buddy for a walk/jog, rarely heading out on my own.

So not running much, but running a little teeny tiny bit.

Last Saturday, it was time to put on a white shirt and find out what I would really think about having people throw stuff at me as I ran. And also time to find out whether I could, in fact, actually still complete a 5k.

And on both accounts, I was pleasantly surprised.

Running buddy, her sister and I started out all dressed in white:
And ended up a little more colorful:


We ran almost the whole thing, except for the super steep uphill part that EVERYBODY walked.

And aside from how gross it was to get the color powder in my mouth, it was kind of exhilarating to be in the middle of such a big crowd of happy people basking in a rainbow powder fight.

And so I am officially only 2 races away from completing my 2012 New Year's Resolution.

I'm starting to think ahead -- what should my 2013 New Year's Goal be?


Sunday, October 21, 2012

changing

I have been in a slump.

A self-deserving, self-pitying, ugly place.

I'm trying to get out.

I'm trying to appreciate the little things, to look on the bright side, to find the silver lining.

It's hard.

I want so badly to make big changes in my life, but it is overwhelming.

I want so badly to be satisfied with what I have, but I live a life of coveting.

I want so badly to be a giver, to let go of what I have, and to know that I will always, always have enough.

I want to put my faith in God, and the promises Jesus told us of, and have those promises as my rock.

I want to clean out the house, simplify, and be satisfied.

But somehow, I am always wanting more, and not of the right things.

I want more stuff. More pretty clothes, more pretty dishes, more food in the refrigerator, more furniture, more bedding, more. And more, and more, and more.

I want children. I want babies to fill up my house and my heart and my time, rather than just my thoughts of how I probably won't ever have them and jealousy of those who do, especially those who do and don't (or didn't) want them.

I want friends close by, rather than so spread out that the effort of keeping in touch with them exhausts me and creates stress about misinterpreted emails and no phone calls and then whirlwind visits once or twice a year and pretending that our lives still have things in common. I want friends here, now, who know and understand where I am, even if it is this ugly place of desire.

I want my house to be clean, my yard to be pretty, and enough money in my bank account, but I don't want to have to work for any of these.

I want to support local businesses, and not encourage slave labor, but I don't want to make the effort to seek out products made in the US.

I want women to have more rights here at home, but I don't want to go to the rallies and be seen.

I want fair, affordable health care for all, but I don't want to give up the convenience of being able to call my own doctor whenever I'm sick, or my money, or my choice of health care plans.

I want the world to be a different place, but I don't want to be the one to change it.

And this is how I get stuck in the ugly place, the place of desire without action.

This is my commitment to start making changes.

I commit to cleaning out, bit by bit, my house. I commit to letting go of the clothing I don't wear, the things I don't use, the books I will not read again.

I commit to use the things that take up space in my home.

I commit to enjoying the people around me and seeking out personal connections here.

I commit to shopping less for things, especially clothing.

I commit to changing my attitude, even though it may take time.

I commit to participating in the next women's rights rally here.

I commit to becoming a person I can be proud of, a person who lets her values dictate her lifestyle and spending.

Hold me accountable. Ask me how it's going. Encourage me.

Monday, October 8, 2012

I am...

enjoying a Lori McKenna song that I don't know all the words to.

a little cold on this rainy, cloudy, super grey day.

listening to sweet hubby start the supper preparations....his mama's lentil recipe, and sopaipillas....yum!

hungry for that delicious supper.

ready for my crazy kids to come back to school tomorrow, after their long weekend, parent conferences, and my work day in the classroom today.

sad not to be at the beach, where the weather was amazing this weekend. And the company was even better (thanks to both running buddy and roommate!)

hopeful that the next round of fertility medicine will do the trick, but trying not to be *too* hopeful.

overwhelmed by my schedule...directing a wedding this weekend, traveling to pick apples, going to see Pilobolus perform, and all within about 36 hours.

expecting the kitty cat to snuggle up tonight, since it's actually pretty cold out, and therefore in.

not using facebook anymore, and hoping it helps me to be more productive in real life.

starting to take a class tomorrow afternoon. One more thing to mix into the after school crazy business.

wanting a little bit of Rob Ryan's loveliness in my life.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

i realized, as i was driving home today,

That I have definitely been avoiding dealing with real life.

I'm not coping well.

I wish I could just be pregnant, already.

I wish that the fertility drugs would work.

I wish that it wasn't so ingrained in me and everyone else that babies are the natural and expected next step.

I wish that it wasn't so socially awkward to be married for more than 5 years and still not have kids.

I wish that I wasn't jealous of the random women I don't even know that I see in stores who are pregnant.

I wish that I wasn't sort of happy that the pregnant teacher on my hallway will probably be out for the rest of the year, and I don't have to see her waddle and be jealous all day long.

I wish that I could talk about it without crying, because I think it would help me feel more normal.

I wish that I didn't feel like such a disappointment to friends and family when they'd like to hear happy news.

I wish I didn't feel like my body is failing me.

I wish that I could be finished with this tough season.

Instead, I'll keep enjoying date nights with sweet hubby, crying on the way to school, and surviving month to month....one at time, and each one, one more I can handle.

Slowly, I'll get used to it.

I hope.