Sunday, April 28, 2013

hard things

When I was younger, in middle school, my cousin came to live with us. She had just graduated from college, had found a job, and needed to save up some money for a while to get her life off to a good start. My family lived in town; her family lived an hour or so farther away. Cousin was everything anyone would want for a role model -- pretty, kind, involved in her church, motivated, funny, and on and on. She lived with us for about half of a school year, when she decided that she had saved up enough money and was ready to find a place of her own.

This is the cousin I've always felt closest to, simply because she shared the experience, albeit briefly, of living in the same house I did, with my parents worrying about her comings and goings (no matter that she had lived on her own in college!), watching tv with us at night, grading papers, taking us with her to fun events at her church.

She waited and waited and waited to meet the right man for her -- an excellent example of not compromising her beliefs and trusting in God to provide for her, even though she was 35 before meeting the man of her dreams. They dated for a while, he went away to war, he came back, they were married. A couple years later, she was pregnant with their first baby, one of the cutest I've ever seen. He is healthy, currently about 2 years old, and surely the joy of their family.

Cousin and husband want their family to grow, but after miscarriages and I'm sure other interventions, have decided that their family is only going to grow through adoption. They made the announcement to family and friends, asked for prayers, and set about waiting through the process.

Then comes tax day (this year -- only a week or so ago) and the exciting phone call that a young pregnant woman, expecting twins, has chosen Cousin as the adoptive mom. Twin girls, due date in June, expected mid May -- more or less a month to prepare for this addition to their family. Celebration and hope and joy and relief at prayers answered for this family, this excellent example of God's good work and God's provision. More prayers, too, that the adoption will go as planned, that the birth mother won't change her mind, that the two girls will be healthy.

And my own selfish concern, mixed in, that Cousin will choose the same name I've chosen for my baby girl, due in August. We are traditional enough in our family that we like family names, but not traditional enough to have juniors, thirds, fourths (any more). My own concern, at Easter (before tax day, by a couple weeks this year), of how Cousin would feel seeing my pregnant belly for the first time (though she had known for a little while I was expecting), knowing how hard it was for me to find out and see other people's bellies when I was in the midst of wanting but not being able to have a baby of my own. (Believe it or not, this is not something that we shared with family -- lots of friends, yes, but not family.) My own relief, at finding out her girls would arrive before mine, that something good was happening for her, that my little girl wouldn't be separated from the cousins by so great an age gap as my siblings and I from our cousins. And excitement -- babies are exciting!

So it is with great sadness, my jaw dropped, that I received an email from Cousin this morning, addressed to the same great list of friends and family who had received the exciting news only a week ago, that the birth mother was lying, there are no babies being born to be adopted by my Cousin, the lawyer and social worker were both fooled, and the prayer thought to be answered has, indeed, simply left more questions.

I find myself grieving this loss for my Cousin, yet at the same time wondering if there is any comfort at all that I can offer her, in my present state of having what she so desires. I pray for her, that she truly, as she states, believes that this is part of God's great plan, that this is not the end, that God will provide, that in due time, all will be revealed.

I pray also, though she didn't ask for it, that her heart will be healed.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

i am...

watching the boats go by, under the still grey sky, from the comfort of the old flowered couch in my favorite house on the planet

feeling Peanut's little kicks inside my belly and hoping everything is going the right way in there

uncertain about what the next school year will bring, between a possible grade level change and starting the year either about to pop pregnant or with a long term sub and with a new math curriculum and higher expectations to implement RISC

glad that my partner teacher is 100% committed to being my partner teacher again next year, so that at least that part I can count on

bewildered by the fact that Peanut has been growing in my belly for 24 weeks, and other than the school drama, it has been just about the happiest 24 weeks of my life that I can ever remember

planning to spend almost all day in my pjs, on this couch, with sweet hubby nearby, and maybe do a little housework somewhere in between the lounging (there is so much pollen on the porch of this palace, and so much mildew on the porch furniture, that no one in their right mind would sit out there)

might run around in a bathing suit if the sun decides to come out and play

will continue to wish sweet hubby was ready to paint the baby's room, already, so that I can start decorating it

missing saturday morning yoga with Annie, and next week too, but hopeful that my mama made it there this morning

re-reading The Forgotten Garden, which I thoroughly enjoyed that last time I visited this magical house of lazing and relaxing and just being

curious about whether i will finish the baby blanket i started for Peanut last weekend when I was cleaning out my stash of yarn and found some soft, soft, soft yellow, pink, and white bought several years ago, when babies were additions to my friends' families and not my own


Sunday, April 7, 2013

it's a...

First things first:
It has been forever since I posted any pictures on here. I've basically stopped playing with the camera, and my little computer has slowed down a whole lot in the 3.5 years that it has been my primary source of internet access, and only recently has sweet hubby consented to truly share his (nicer, newer) laptop with me. So I'll finally start with a couple of pictures!

16 weeks

20 weeks

These two pictures don't show a whole lot of difference in the size of Peanut's bump, but I can assure you that the bump is, indeed, getting bigger! It has only been a couple of weeks that people have been telling me they can really tell a difference -- before, I was just kind of getting bigger, and now Peanut is more of a bump than general size increase.

Second things second:
We did find out Peanut's gender! And in time for an Easter reveal!

Here is our (not so lovely from the outside, after all, since the lemon icing kept running and running and running and sliding all over the place) tasty cake:

The little flags say "He peep?" and "She peep?"

Most of my family members are a little bit older than us -- my mama was the youngest of 4 sisters, and only her two oldest sisters had children, and their children have all already had children -- there is only one cousin who knew without us explaining what the cake was about! My uncles kept asking if the two peeps on top meant that there was a boy and a girl -- we reiterated that there is only one baby, not twins!

We all ate Easter dinner before my aunts couldn't wait any more to cut the cake. Here is the inside:

Peanut's a girl!

We are thrilled, of course, and would have been thrilled with a boy, too! We are so excited that so far, Peanut seems to be a healthy little baby -- something we wondered whether we would ever be able to have!