Sunday, February 26, 2012

running group, take 2

I went back. For whatever reason, I have decided that 5 tries is a good effort and that after 5, if I'm still finding it too awkward to want to continue, I can stop in good faith knowing that I made a decent effort.

So far the benefit of going has been to get me up early on a Saturday....Not something everyone would be happy about, but since I'm typically awake early every day during the week, I think it might actually be better for my biological clock to get up early on the weekends, too. The second benefit has been to help me increase my mileage. I ran five miles yesterday for the first time since about a year ago -- so I feel proud of myself for that, and I also know that I wouldn't have increased to five miles on my own. Having someone to follow also pushes me to maintain a decent pace (my five miles were run at about 10.25), since I run pretty slow on my own.

The awkwardness, though, is definitely still there. No one talked to me yesterday (really) except for my running buddy, who showed up at the very last minute and only ran with me for about the first mile before turning back. When my normal running buddy stopped running, I picked up my pace a little to catch up to a girl running by herself in front of me, thinking that I would make the effort to chat a little with her, but as soon as I got about five paces behind her, she started walking. I wanted to finish running, so I kept going. Later on in the run, the two men I was following about a block behind separated as one continued to run and one began to walk. I passed the one who was walking, and he started running again...about ten feet behind me. I adjusted my pace to see if he would catch up to me and chat...But no. Just super awkwardly matched my pace for a mile or so, then began to walk again.

When I got back to the parking area, I walked a lap to cool down and started stretching. As I was ready to leave, two (other) guys were returning from their seven mile run, talking and stretching. They waved at me as I pulled out of the parking lot. First and only friendly gesture of the experience.

So I still have mixed feelings about the running group -- I'm not impressed by their inclusiveness (ha!), but I am liking new routes and pushing the mileage/pace.



I'm looking for a group that will push me on mileage/pace, but that will also help me find more friendships. Check out the group above, from the university church, that ran race number 2 of 2012 with me!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I am...

curled up with the cat for a few more minutes.

going to yoga with my mama tonight.

giving up soda for lent? Not sure where that one came from, or how it will help me grow closer to God, but giving it a try....

sad to have wasted time after school at a mandatory meeting in which nothing I didn't already know was talked about and nothing in particular was accomplished.

glad that my student teacher has two groups of kids to learn on -- one group to make mistakes, the second to fix them. And fix those mistakes, he does. Some school will be very happy to have him in the fall.

still enjoying the daisies that sweet hubby surprised me with on Valentine's day.

thinking really hard about the peanut-butter m&ms that I shouldn't eat before yoga.

lamenting that I didn't turn on the electric blanket.

surprised that the mail-person just came at 6:00pm....that's a lot later than our normal mid-afternoon delivery/pick-up.

apprehensive about sweet hubby's upcoming trip to Ecuador. I like that he gets to travel, but 10 days apart is hard times right now, between school and everything else going on in our lives.

avoiding cooking supper and considering investing in lean cuisine.

looking forward to the opera this weekend, and even more so to having sweet hubby home in the evening for three days in a row (Sunday, Monday, Tuesday....and he'll leave super later on Wednesday, so it doesn't really count.)

excited to visit one of my best friends from college and her babies in March -- it just got put onto the calendar.

pretty sleepy...I think I'm already noticing the lack of caffeine.

up and at'em, getting ready for some exercise.

Monday, February 20, 2012

tmi; and thinking too hard

My bloodwork will be checked for a thyroid problem.

And I'll start taking something to make me ovulate "better", if there is such a thing.

And in a few months I'll most likely have to make some sort of decision about how to best follow God's plan and my heart, all at once, when i'm afraid that maybe my heart wants something that isn't part of God's plan for me.

And on this gorgeous, cold, clear, sunny day, after spending the morning at the doctor's office, all I want to do is lie in bed and wish that things were different.

I wish that I could be happy, rather than jealous, when I find out that others are expecting blessings.

I wish that I didn't have moments in the hallway at school where I look at my classroom full of kids and think to myself how much I really want to have one of my own.

I wish that I didn't read other people's blogs and see pictures of smiling, happy kids all over the place, and read stories about how kids have done funny or silly or awful things and how their parents still love them so much anyway and isn't this what life is all about, anyway.

I wish, when I mention grandkids in the future to my mama, that she wouldn't mention how far off that must be.

I wish my best friends didn't already have babies sometimes, just because it makes it harder to let them know how much I'm struggling with not having one of my own.

I wish my other best friends weren't younger and unmarried, and therefore not in any position to even start wondering about why I don't have one yet.

I wish I didn't have to wonder, but could simply expect.

Perhaps that was where I went wrong -- I expected it to be easy, I expected it to happen.

But so far, my expectations have not been met, and it makes me sad.

It makes me sad not to have a little person to care for.
It makes me sad to always answer "We have a cat".
It makes me sad to pretend that I'm not interested in having kids yet, just to avoid answering personal questions about when and why not.
It makes me sad that my mama doesn't think I'm interested in having a family.
It makes me sad that for five weeks this summer, every single person I visit will ask me why I don't have babies yet, as if it were a choice I've made, and not just a choice, but the wrong one.

Clearly we as humans can choose NOT to start a family.

But the choice to start one? Apparently not my decision to make.

And today is a day that I'm struggling to trust that the right decision is being made for me.

I can't see all the answers; I don't know how the puzzle pieces of this life will fit together in the end.

But one day they will. And if I can hold on to that truth, I'll be ok.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

running group?

My running buddy, she found out about a running group. They meet on Saturday mornings at a local middle school, and run different distances according to what everyone is training for. The group belongs to a local church.

My running buddy, she convinced me that we should sign up together. So we did. Three weeks ago.

And that first Saturday? I had a cold. Not a huge cold, but enough of a cold not to want to get up early on Saturday and go running with a bunch of strangers while wearing leggings.

The second Saturday? I had other running plans, and so did my running buddy. We helped raise funds for a local organization that provides transitional housing and services to homeless families. A whole group of us signed up together, and it was fun. At the end, someone from the running group saw our church t-shirts and invited us to join the running group. My running buddy and I admitted that we were already signed up for the group.

This Saturday? I gave it a try. By myself. My running buddy? She went out of town. So I got up, put on leggings, and headed out to the school a little early to warm up and stretch. As I noticed other people in running gear arrive, I worked up the courage to ask if they were the running group.

Indeed, they were. Out of the 25-30 people who were there, one person talked to me.

ONE.

And the second thing she said?

We won't have anyone running your distance today.

I'm not a completely shy person, but new things can be pretty daunting. Signing up to run with a group of people I don't know? Not something I would typically try on my own.

We worked out that I would start out with the 10K/Half Marathon group, who were planning to run 6 miles....But I was only hoping to run 4 today, so I would turn back at a certain spot.

The actual run? Was fine. I ran like I normally run, just a different route.

But here's the thing.

If I had known that everyone would be listening to their own music the whole time?
I would have brought my own.

If I had known that no one would talk to the new person?
I would have run my normal route at home.

What is the point of having a running group where no one talks to each other?

Where is the community in that?

And if this running group is intended to be a gateway into their church community, how the heck do they expect that to work?

I was (clearly) disappointed with the way the group worked out this morning. But I've signed up for the email list, and I'll try it again.

Who knows....maybe next time will be better. I think a fair chance at this group will be about 5 times. One down, four to go.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

today

Today was a grumpy day. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, apparently, and had a hard time moving past it.

Thank goodness for geometry memory games and the silly cat video at the end of the geometry review, and a computer lab available at just the right moment.

There are also the little things in life, like getting to tell the second grade teacher when she asks to observe your class, that she will only be welcome as long as she can come in to observe without getting the kids riled up, since apparently she spent last year teaching them that she is their best friend, rather than how to do basic multiplication, let alone addition or subtraction.

And there is something to be said for not walking out of the yoga studio when one arrives to discover a least favorite substitute waiting to teach the class, and not even texting her mother to convince her mother she'd rather stay home. We both got our yoga in and liked the sun better this time than before. She's still not my favorite, but at least she played good music tonight.

The best part of all? Walking into the house to find sweet hubby in the midst of cooking supper and cleaning the kitchen.
And he told me to go sit down. I love that man.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

catching up



I painted an old window frame for sweet hubby to surprise him at Christmas. I was supposed to start painting the bedroom that day. I'm sure he was suspicious about why the house smelled like paint if I hadn't gotten started, but he didn't say anything. I hid the finished frame under the guest bed to wait until I could get him out of the house to wrap it and get it to my mama's, under the tree. The next day we started painting our bedroom and slept in the guest bed. I was nervous all night that he would look under the bed. After Christmas, when I told him the pictures had been under the bed the night we slept in the guest room, he said he almost looked under the bed, but didn't. What a relief. I think I need to think a little further ahead this year.



Sweet hubby helped me paint our bedroom during Christmas break. Now it feels light and airy and homey and like the beach, all at once. We are both very happy with it. I'm so blessed that he doesn't mind all of my "girly-ness".



Home-made chia pets? Best school project to date. Definitely one of the most fun things I've done with my kids so far. It takes about a week and a half, but they do grow hair! (and just in time to go home for Christmas break, too!)




New bedroom curtains, made over Thanksgiving break.



New bathroom curtains, also made over Thanksgiving break. They both still need to be re-hemmed.



Before the first race of my New Year's resolution....January, 5K. We walked for a block or two, then starting running again. We made it in 35 minutes, or something close -- much faster than we anticipated!



After -- we were tired. And definitely warmer.

We did race #2 this morning, but I don't have the pictures yet.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

time

Oh, elusive time, please grace me with your presence.

It would be so nice to be prepared for teaching school again.
It would be so nice to remember the little things, like packing running shoes for coaching girls on the run.
It would be so nice to see sweet hubby for more than breakfast each day.

Oh time, elusive time, please come back to me soon.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

I am...

planning to stay in my pjs all day, sniffling and sneezing and drinking lots of fluids while snuggling with the kitty.

glad that I didn't have to miss a day of school for this, but a little bummed that a cold can dominate my weekend.

disappointed to have signed up for a running group, only to have to miss it.

hoping not to have the flu at next weekend's 5K, like I did last year.

excited for my student intern to take over teaching science for a few weeks, and ready to sit on my hands and glue my lips together while he's teaching.

considering watching all of downton abbey again while snuggled up on the couch today.

relieved that i didn't actually have plans for this weekend, anyway.

thrilled to have found an incubator and another third grade teacher who has a student who lives on a chicken farm with parents who will donate fertilized chicken eggs for us to incubate and hatch in April....I get to cancel one of my donor's choose projects!

stressed out by all of the winter testing going on at school....glad it's nearly over.

ready to eat some soup. it's already past my lunchtime (and it's only 11:00).

wishing the house wasn't such a mess, but i'm definitely not going to clean it today.

about to turn on the tv, play some angry birds, and forget all about real time.