Thursday, October 4, 2012

i realized, as i was driving home today,

That I have definitely been avoiding dealing with real life.

I'm not coping well.

I wish I could just be pregnant, already.

I wish that the fertility drugs would work.

I wish that it wasn't so ingrained in me and everyone else that babies are the natural and expected next step.

I wish that it wasn't so socially awkward to be married for more than 5 years and still not have kids.

I wish that I wasn't jealous of the random women I don't even know that I see in stores who are pregnant.

I wish that I wasn't sort of happy that the pregnant teacher on my hallway will probably be out for the rest of the year, and I don't have to see her waddle and be jealous all day long.

I wish that I could talk about it without crying, because I think it would help me feel more normal.

I wish that I didn't feel like such a disappointment to friends and family when they'd like to hear happy news.

I wish I didn't feel like my body is failing me.

I wish that I could be finished with this tough season.

Instead, I'll keep enjoying date nights with sweet hubby, crying on the way to school, and surviving month to month....one at time, and each one, one more I can handle.

Slowly, I'll get used to it.

I hope.

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