It was a rough week.
The decision was made on Wednesday.
I didn't sleep more than three hours that night.
I cried a lot, prayed a little, wrote a little, looked up fun pictures to recreate for Peanut's nursery (to try to distract myself).
After I arrived at school on Thursday, I cried some more.
Thursday afternoon, I cried some more.
After I got home from school, I wrote an email detailing my upset to my principal. I sent it to my partner teacher for her opinion, and she said "Don't send it. Don't burn bridges right now." Good thing I didn't listen to sweet hubby, who thought it was excellent and should be sent right away.
Thursday evening, I went out to supper with sweet hubby and the movie night girls -- all of whom had been warned ahead of time not to ask me about school. We had plenty of other things to talk about, and a good time was had by all.
I didn't sleep much again on Thursday night, but I did start to find some gems. The first was this blog post, about knowing when to surrender. It was precisely what I needed to read at 3 a.m.
After reading, I emailed a few of my closest friends and asked for encouragement and advice. I think it helped me just to let a few more people know how much I am suffering mentally from this decision that my principal made. And their words of advice and encouragement, while they incited tears all over again, were wonderful. Their words were just what I needed.
Well, their words, and a get-away.
After my glucose test on Friday morning (I passed! No gestational diabetes!), and a nap, sweet hubby and I headed up to the mountains. It was a rainy, cold, cloudy, grey weekend. Perfect for cuddling up and sleeping.
I needed to sleep. I managed to sleep almost all night on Friday night. I woke up a little early, but was able to write some prayers down and refocus on other things. I started reading Madeleine L'Engle's A Circle of Quiet, which is apparently filled with more gems and ideas that I needed to find. A morning nap was followed by a lazy day -- the only times we left the cabin were in search of food -- lunch, home to nap, dinner. And I slept all night Saturday night -- it felt like quite an accomplishment.
When I woke up, I read a little more, thought a little more, and worked a little bit of Peanut's blanket. While I worked, I listed to Lori McKenna -- one of my favorites of all time -- and heard this new song. Yet another message that I needed to hear.
A couple of hours later, I crawled back into bed for another morning nap.
And now we are home, and I'm starting to feel anxiety once more at the thought of returning to school tomorrow.
But I opened up a blog that I enjoy, and what did I see? A bible verse, as if chosen just for me: "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." -- Exodus 14:14
Tomorrow after school, I meet with the coordinator of the immersion program I teach in. Wednesday after school, I meet with the 1st grade immersion teacher at my school. Hopefully somewhere in there I will find that I no longer need to feel as though I should be fighting.
Pray for me -- that I will be able to relax, to sleep, to focus on what is best for the students who are still in my classroom this year, and that God will be apparent in all of the details.