Monday, May 20, 2013

I'm going with: or not. And I'll finish up by counting some blessings. It won't be all bad.

On the progress front.

I can't seem to get unstuck from the hurt of the way the whole situation at school with changing grade levels was handled.

I don't really want to leave my job for a whole year, or for forever, either.

I don't really want to stay at a job where I don't trust my boss, either.

I'm zero degrees closer to making a decision.

I don't seem any closer to forgiveness, either, although I think that it is probably necessary (and probably, eventually, the better choice).

I still have mean thoughts in my heart and my head -- especially a strong desire for the teacher/principal to experience great failure with this "experiment" that they are forcing me to be a part of. Not that I want my part to be a failure -- I just want that teacher to experience failure so great that she doesn't recover from it easily.

I don't think it is a good thing for me to want bad things for other people. I don't WANT to want bad things for these people, but I haven't been able to move forward. I don't know if it is the pregnancy hormones making me hold on to this for longer than I should, or an inherent character flaw, but something is holding me in this place of anxiety and anger that I don't really want to be in any longer.

I think, in general, I'm suffering some anxiety from feeling very out-of-control. I was feeling secure with the idea of teaching the same thing, at the same school, with the same expectations, while allowing for the freedom/lack of control of not knowing exactly how things will go when my daughter arrives. Having that idea of stability was apparently holding me together more than I realized. Having it removed has let me fall apart much more than I think is healthy for me, and unfortunately my response is not always to turn to God in trust.

As silly as it might be, in the long run, it is the little things that are undoing me -- a pretty decent school day followed by the news that the second of the two gallons of paint for the nursery was actually not tinted, three weeks after sweet hubby had originally planned to have the room painted and cleaned back up for me to re-start clearing it out. I can't get to the sewing stuff that I actually feel ready to work on....I can't figure out what to do with some of the furniture that we don't want to leave in the room but don't have space for anywhere else....Overall, I'm just feeling anxious and out of control.

I need to get back to remembering the good things -- the blessings. So here are a few from today/the weekend.
1. Supper with roommate -- just the two of us. Good time with a good friend.
2. 4 out 14 students in my poorly behaved group of students were absent/dismissed early today. This was truly cause for celebration!
3. Another teacher offered me (for free!) a barely-used car seat and extra base.
4. The owner of the vacant lot next door is interested in selling, and my mama's realtor neighbor suggested a very helpful real estate attorney to help me in the process of making an offer.
5. Sweet hubby spent some time putting away science and math materials from my classroom and backing up computer files for me on Saturday.

That's a bunch of blessings. There are more, I'm sure, but those are the ones that come to mind the quickest.

And now, it's time to pray for the tornado victims in Oklahoma.

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