Wednesday, April 11, 2012


It was amazing.

I cried the whole time (that was predictable).

But I was also able to voice my feelings in an honest and non-judged way that made me feel like it is actually ok to feel the way I feel about not being able to have babies (yet?).

It was awkward to go back to the place I used to work, to sit in the waiting room and fill out paperwork, to run into another therapist in the hallway and explain that no, I wasn't just visiting....

But overall, it was a really good experience.

I heard the things I needed to hear, said the things I needed to say, and have set some challenges to myself for coping with more and more of my friends and acquaintances becoming pregnant.

And I feel good about it, like finally acknowledging this challenge in my life to the people who are actually living alongside me will make it both more real and also less of a burden. More real in a way that I may or may not really want it to seem more real, since more real means I will actually have to start accepting the idea that I may never have babies, but less of a burden, that others can share my heavy heart and lift me up and help me to focus on the positive.

I'm sure it was not a coincidence that just 20 minutes before the appointment I found out another friend is expecting a baby in November.

I'm sure it was not a coincidence that my brother made his comments on Easter.

I'm sure it is not a coincidence that sweet hubby and I keep trying and no baby.

I trust in God, I trust in God's timing, and I trust in God's plan.

I'm sure it was not a coincidence that I worked in a therapists' office for so long, either, just so I would know exactly who the right therapist would be for me, and just so I would really, truly know that I could call if I ever needed to. And knowing my therapist was really a blessing for me -- I knew of her faith before hand, she knew of mine, she knows of my family, and I didn't have to waste time explaining my personality or getting to know her...after some quick catching up, we jumped right in and the tears began. So did the challenges and the metathinking and all of that good stuff.

So I'll go back...not next week, maybe not next month, but I will go back. It was helpful for me to be uncomfortable, to talk, to cry, to share something so personal to a person, rather than just writing. Helpful, but hard, but only in the best ways.

I'll probably be less apprehensive next time, too.

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