(No, not x-rated, you're looking in the wrong place.)
I was supposed to go on a college church retreat this weekend. And I didn't. I was very "unresponsible" and made the best decision for me -- not to go. I would have loved spending time in the mountains. I would have loved getting to know some of the students a little bit better. I would have loved spending time taking in God's majesty while watching the sun rise or set over the lake, singing songs of praise, hiking, walking the labyrinth, or sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch.
Except that this weekend, I wouldn't have loved any of those things. They would have been a burden to me.
And a church retreat? I'm fairly certain that it is not supposed to feel like a burden, but more like a blessing.
When sweet hubby's good friend called me and texted me to see if he could ride with me, I said no. I couldn't handle the idea of talking to this man for three hours in the car after the week I'd had. So I made the choice to say no.
When the same friend texted me about 1/2 hour before I was supposed to leave, to see if (even though I don't have a key to the building) I could pick up the food they had accidentally left behind, I was super annoyed. I told him I didn't know if I would be leaving that day after all. He told me that sweet hubby and roommate both have keys to the building. (Roommate doesn't live here anymore, sweet hubby had an opera to perform.) I told him I still didn't have a key.
About 15 minutes later, roommate called me and asked why I wanted to get into the church.
I told her I didn't, that the friend wanted me to, and that I thought I might just not go on the trip after all, and I started to cry.
You see, I had a horrible week.
Stressful, stressful, stressful, and no one to talk to about it during the week, since sweet hubby was at opera rehearsal every night until way past my bedtime.
Roommate convinced me that I was making the right choice by saying no to the trip. She came by the house, let me cry and vent a little, then told me she was breaking up with the girl she had been seeing. She was worried it would take a long time, so we made a plan -- I'd open the bottle of wine I had been thinking about all week; she'd buy chinese food and break up with the girl, and then she'd come back to my house and we'd watch funny movies together.
It was just what I needed. I got to have a little cry, I got to have a little relaxation, I got to have some good laughs. Runaway Bride is funnier than I remembered. Mean Girls will probably always be my favorite. And friends like roommate? They aren't found often.
The irony? The exact man who was driving me to my decision to stay home called the girl who convinced me it was the best decision. And he thought he was calling her to get me to do him a favor.
So instead of spending this weekend in the mountains, I've spent it at home. At school, grading papers and papers and papers. 4 hours worth of papers. 4 hours worth of papers that had me stressed out because of how long it was going to take me to get caught up with another week of meetings after school every day and during planning time and no free time to focus on school. And eating lunch with my family, since I wasn't actually in the mountains after all. And watching the opera that sweet hubby has been rehearsing for months now. And drinking wine and watching movies and laughing and crying and talking to my best friend. And napping for three hours, since I was tired.
These things, too, are gifts from God. These things too, help me to see his Majesty. His grandeur. His amazing love for me. He orchestrated this weekend for me to stay home, to truly appreciate not packing and unpacking and sleeping in a sleeping bag and talking to 19 year olds and crazy Brazilians all weekend.
After the week I had, this weekend at home has truly felt like a gift from God. I'm all about the adult decisions right now. As in, I'm an adult. Even though I said I would go on this trip, it is not the best choice for me right now, so I'm not going.
It is a powerful feeling, this making adult decisions that are the best choice for me, regardless of whether they show my commitment to the things I've said "yes" to doing. Perhaps I need to start practicing how to say "no" more often, again.
And on a side note....Just a quick list of the things that made this week so very horrible in the first place:
1. full moon=crazy kids
2. Halloween=crazy kids
3. poor parenting=crazy kids
4. late night opera rehearsals=poor sleep
5. dr.'s appt. Monday=sad, stressed Eli trying to decide how much infertility treatment to seek
6. late night opera rehearsals=not talking to sweet hubby about infertility treatment decisions that need to be made, and preferably this year before we start our insurance deductible again
7. new tires and struts for my car=bank account woes
8. RISC visits at school=extra goal setting and the implication that I'm not doing enough at school
9. immersion leadership meeting=listening to teachers from other schools whine about things that don't really matter for 2 hours instead of being productive
10. Halloween=unproductive afternoon
11. girls on the run=no time after school for planning on the one night sweet hubby didn't have rehearsals or performances
12. phone calls from a parent who thinks her child is struggling in school but the child is really not
13. parent conference after school on a friday
14. planning/packing for a church retreat the same weekend sweet hubby is in the opera
15. medication changes for my most aggressive student
16. report cards
17. PMS. On top of all of the rest of it.
It was all just toooooooo much. But it is over now....And next week will not be much better. But I, personally, am better, because I spent part of my weekend catching up on school stuff and relaxing and not driving 3 hours to the mountains and 3 hours back.