And so it goes.
I stopped looking at houses, but my sister, who is engaged and preparing for some big life changes, including moving, has not. And since she has not stopped looking online at houses (and in real life), neither has my mama. And since my mama saw a house she liked a lot, just a few blocks down the street from my current house, and bigger than what my sister will want, and an awful lot like the size house my family might want to move into....well...she sent me a link to the house online on Saturday last week. And on Sunday, our agent took us to see it. And she met me there again, with my mama, on Monday morning. And all day after that on Monday, we emailed paperwork back and forth to my husband and I made phone calls to lenders and things like that. And Monday night, the sellers countered. Monday night, we accepted their counter offer. Tuesday and Wednesday were full of scheduling appointments and making phone calls. Thursday we met in person with a lender. Friday was the HVAC inspection. Saturday we moved a whole bunch of boxes out of our attic into my bedroom at my mama's house. We'll pack up a bunch more boxes of stuff this afternoon to move out, too. And while sweet hubby is at work on Monday, I'll continue packing up boxes of the stuff we don't actually use everyday to send off to visit my mama's house while we try to get ours on the market. And Tuesday this week will be the home inspection and termite inspection....and after that....well, a couple weeks later we will close and have a new house to move into. A new-to-us house, that is, since it is not actually a new house.
And I find myself in the middle of this whirlwind asking myself what the heck happened to my resolve that we are in the right place, living within our means, in a cozy, sweet, home that encourages and requires together-time, and how much I value that....and in the hurry of "this house is lovely, meets our desires, and will move fast at this asking price" I somehow forgot that I had decided I didn't want to move.
Is it terrible that I googled "how to back out of a house contract" earlier today? Does it mean I really don't want to move? I know that the sellers received better offers after they had already accepted ours....if we truly want to back out, I am certain they will be able to quickly sell the house and actually get more for it than what we would be paying.
It is hard to know whether the unease I feel about this new purchase is simply anxiety due to the speed of the decision or whether it is unease because it isn't truly the right purchase for us to make right now.
My husband REALLY wants to move. Over the past year, as we have been looking at different houses, he has been ready and willing to put an offer on many, where I have dragged my feet or decided that this feature or that feature really would bother me long term, and therefore I would rather stay where we already are.
And also, the values....small home, small payments, family life, ability to afford more experiences together, ability to afford better schools, living with less, having more to give....and I feel like I've allowed myself to throw my values out the window, to a certain degree.
So here I am....both imagining where each piece of furniture we own will go in the new house and also trying to figure out if I can get out of buying this new home....
We spent the evening removing boxes of baby clothes and winter clothes from the attic, sending them on a visit to my mama's house, in part of an attempt to create the illusion of lots of space in this little house. We removed all of our pictures and most of our personal things from the walls -- the family photo when peanut was 3 months old, now an empty space. Wedding pictures from the dining room wall, now an empty space. Collages of sweet hubby and me in our years before babies, packed away, and empty spaces. Entire shelves on the bookcases are empty, frames packed into boxes for no one knows exactly how long, this home becoming a big, empty, messy shell of the place we have enjoyed so much life.
I simultaneously want to undo the progress, putting all of it back in place, the way it has come to be home, and want to rush through and finish the purchase and be settled, once more, in a welcoming space.
I am apprehensive. I am nervous, and anxious, and doubting. I am trusting that if this is truly the right house, at the right time, in the right place, that the remaining steps in the home buying process will be quick(ish) and easy, falling into place without much effort on my part. And I am praying, very selfishly, that if this is not the right house, that it be very, very apparent through something majorly wrong discovered in tomorrow's home inspection and termite inspection.