i realized, as i was driving home today,

That I have definitely been avoiding dealing with real life.

I'm not coping well.

I wish I could just be pregnant, already.

I wish that the fertility drugs would work.

I wish that it wasn't so ingrained in me and everyone else that babies are the natural and expected next step.

I wish that it wasn't so socially awkward to be married for more than 5 years and still not have kids.

I wish that I wasn't jealous of the random women I don't even know that I see in stores who are pregnant.

I wish that I wasn't sort of happy that the pregnant teacher on my hallway will probably be out for the rest of the year, and I don't have to see her waddle and be jealous all day long.

I wish that I could talk about it without crying, because I think it would help me feel more normal.

I wish that I didn't feel like such a disappointment to friends and family when they'd like to hear happy news.

I wish I didn't feel like my body is failing me.

I wish that I could be finished with this tough season.

Instead, I'll keep enjoying date nights with sweet hubby, crying on the way to school, and surviving month to month....one at time, and each one, one more I can handle.

Slowly, I'll get used to it.

I hope.

Comments

so far away

Linking up to the Gypsy Mama's five minute Friday.... Chile is so far away. My husband's homeland, the place where he most wants to be. His mama is there, his daddy is there, his brothers and cousins and grandmas and the people who mattered most to him for so so so long are there, and we are here. Here in the very different US, with values thrown at us everyday that seem to say that his childhood was inferior and that returning to a life like that would be the most unwise choice. Here, where the only way to get from one place to another is by car. Here, where without a college degree a "real job" is impossible to come by. Here, where being a legal resident costs thousands of dollars, time, and ridiculous interviews where people question whether you are actually married. Distance is what happens when it is time for the holidays, time to remember family traditions, and the people who are still celebrating them, even though he is far away, thrust into the midst of...

five minute friday

Linking up for Five Minute Friday hosted by the gypsy mama. It's Friday morning, there is no school today, and I am wide awake. I have been since about 20 minutes after my alarm usually goes off. I grabbed the cat, shoved her under the covers, and told sweet hubby "Merry Christmas". He wasn't very amused, starting scratching my head to get me to go back to sleep...but I am awake. Awake, and awakening, and growing in awareness. Last weekend was a wake-up call to me. We had a couple of friends over to watch movies on Saturday night, and by Sunday, sweet hubby and I were not on speaking terms. When we finally spoke again, late on Tuesday, I said painful words to sweet hubby.... If you are the person who was in my living room on Saturday night, then I don't want to know you. --I'm not.-- Then you will have to show me. And so we are both awakening to the task of rediscovering how to be good to one another, kind, respectful, building one another up as we r...

if you met me...

Linking up at the Gypsy Mama . If you met me.... I'd be happy to chat for a little while, unless I was watching the clock and trying to manage my time. Sometimes I try, sometimes I don't. If you met me at school, I'd only speak to you in Spanish. For real. Unless there were no kids around, in which case I could speak to you in English. If you met me at the beach, I'd be running around in my pjs or a bikini. All the time. I think I even forgot to pack shorts for the current beach trip. Who needs shorts when there are bikinis and sunshine? If you met me, you might think I'm ridiculous about how much I love my husband and our cat. And please don't ask me, after you hear that we've been married for five years, if we have any kids. If I didn't mention any, I probably don't have any. And if I didn't mention on my own that I one day want to have kids, don't ask me when I'm planning to. I think it is rude, and personal, and you never kn...

my pink life, mi vida rosada

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