changing

I have been in a slump.

A self-deserving, self-pitying, ugly place.

I'm trying to get out.

I'm trying to appreciate the little things, to look on the bright side, to find the silver lining.

It's hard.

I want so badly to make big changes in my life, but it is overwhelming.

I want so badly to be satisfied with what I have, but I live a life of coveting.

I want so badly to be a giver, to let go of what I have, and to know that I will always, always have enough.

I want to put my faith in God, and the promises Jesus told us of, and have those promises as my rock.

I want to clean out the house, simplify, and be satisfied.

But somehow, I am always wanting more, and not of the right things.

I want more stuff. More pretty clothes, more pretty dishes, more food in the refrigerator, more furniture, more bedding, more. And more, and more, and more.

I want children. I want babies to fill up my house and my heart and my time, rather than just my thoughts of how I probably won't ever have them and jealousy of those who do, especially those who do and don't (or didn't) want them.

I want friends close by, rather than so spread out that the effort of keeping in touch with them exhausts me and creates stress about misinterpreted emails and no phone calls and then whirlwind visits once or twice a year and pretending that our lives still have things in common. I want friends here, now, who know and understand where I am, even if it is this ugly place of desire.

I want my house to be clean, my yard to be pretty, and enough money in my bank account, but I don't want to have to work for any of these.

I want to support local businesses, and not encourage slave labor, but I don't want to make the effort to seek out products made in the US.

I want women to have more rights here at home, but I don't want to go to the rallies and be seen.

I want fair, affordable health care for all, but I don't want to give up the convenience of being able to call my own doctor whenever I'm sick, or my money, or my choice of health care plans.

I want the world to be a different place, but I don't want to be the one to change it.

And this is how I get stuck in the ugly place, the place of desire without action.

This is my commitment to start making changes.

I commit to cleaning out, bit by bit, my house. I commit to letting go of the clothing I don't wear, the things I don't use, the books I will not read again.

I commit to use the things that take up space in my home.

I commit to enjoying the people around me and seeking out personal connections here.

I commit to shopping less for things, especially clothing.

I commit to changing my attitude, even though it may take time.

I commit to participating in the next women's rights rally here.

I commit to becoming a person I can be proud of, a person who lets her values dictate her lifestyle and spending.

Hold me accountable. Ask me how it's going. Encourage me.