Skip to main content

tmi; and thinking too hard

My bloodwork will be checked for a thyroid problem.

And I'll start taking something to make me ovulate "better", if there is such a thing.

And in a few months I'll most likely have to make some sort of decision about how to best follow God's plan and my heart, all at once, when i'm afraid that maybe my heart wants something that isn't part of God's plan for me.

And on this gorgeous, cold, clear, sunny day, after spending the morning at the doctor's office, all I want to do is lie in bed and wish that things were different.

I wish that I could be happy, rather than jealous, when I find out that others are expecting blessings.

I wish that I didn't have moments in the hallway at school where I look at my classroom full of kids and think to myself how much I really want to have one of my own.

I wish that I didn't read other people's blogs and see pictures of smiling, happy kids all over the place, and read stories about how kids have done funny or silly or awful things and how their parents still love them so much anyway and isn't this what life is all about, anyway.

I wish, when I mention grandkids in the future to my mama, that she wouldn't mention how far off that must be.

I wish my best friends didn't already have babies sometimes, just because it makes it harder to let them know how much I'm struggling with not having one of my own.

I wish my other best friends weren't younger and unmarried, and therefore not in any position to even start wondering about why I don't have one yet.

I wish I didn't have to wonder, but could simply expect.

Perhaps that was where I went wrong -- I expected it to be easy, I expected it to happen.

But so far, my expectations have not been met, and it makes me sad.

It makes me sad not to have a little person to care for.
It makes me sad to always answer "We have a cat".
It makes me sad to pretend that I'm not interested in having kids yet, just to avoid answering personal questions about when and why not.
It makes me sad that my mama doesn't think I'm interested in having a family.
It makes me sad that for five weeks this summer, every single person I visit will ask me why I don't have babies yet, as if it were a choice I've made, and not just a choice, but the wrong one.

Clearly we as humans can choose NOT to start a family.

But the choice to start one? Apparently not my decision to make.

And today is a day that I'm struggling to trust that the right decision is being made for me.

I can't see all the answers; I don't know how the puzzle pieces of this life will fit together in the end.

But one day they will. And if I can hold on to that truth, I'll be ok.

Comments

  1. AnonymousMarch 3, 2012 at 5:41 PM

    How honest. Thank you for sharing. Holding on the truth that one day all the pieces will fit together is difficult, but I'm certain you can do it. Your words show a strong woman. Quilted blessings.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

so far away

Linking up to the Gypsy Mama's five minute Friday.... Chile is so far away. My husband's homeland, the place where he most wants to be. His mama is there, his daddy is there, his brothers and cousins and grandmas and the people who mattered most to him for so so so long are there, and we are here. Here in the very different US, with values thrown at us everyday that seem to say that his childhood was inferior and that returning to a life like that would be the most unwise choice. Here, where the only way to get from one place to another is by car. Here, where without a college degree a "real job" is impossible to come by. Here, where being a legal resident costs thousands of dollars, time, and ridiculous interviews where people question whether you are actually married. Distance is what happens when it is time for the holidays, time to remember family traditions, and the people who are still celebrating them, even though he is far away, thrust into the midst of...
6 comments
Read more

i am...

listening to the deluge outside, glad not to be driving in it anymore. being warmed up by a purring kitty on my lap. curious about what sweet hubby meant when he said on the phone " recien vi una persona atropellada por un auto" and i said, "ok, te amo, chau". exhausted by my kids at school, who are so smart that they think they don't need to listen to directions, and then ask a bajillion questions about what they are supposed to do. dressed for yoga, the first exercise I'll do in a week. So much for running three times a week. I did better on vacation. avoiding packing for my cousins wedding on Friday, since it seems like way too much work after writing sub plans for two days and plans for Monday when I get back, and cleaning up the classroom, and trying to remember all the details of our daily routine for someone who doesn't do it every day. hopeful that this month might be the month, but really doubtful at the same time. I'd love to have prayer...
1 comment
Read more

if you met me...

Linking up at the Gypsy Mama . If you met me.... I'd be happy to chat for a little while, unless I was watching the clock and trying to manage my time. Sometimes I try, sometimes I don't. If you met me at school, I'd only speak to you in Spanish. For real. Unless there were no kids around, in which case I could speak to you in English. If you met me at the beach, I'd be running around in my pjs or a bikini. All the time. I think I even forgot to pack shorts for the current beach trip. Who needs shorts when there are bikinis and sunshine? If you met me, you might think I'm ridiculous about how much I love my husband and our cat. And please don't ask me, after you hear that we've been married for five years, if we have any kids. If I didn't mention any, I probably don't have any. And if I didn't mention on my own that I one day want to have kids, don't ask me when I'm planning to. I think it is rude, and personal, and you never kn...
6 comments
Read more